Sooner or later one must confront ones challenges and since this blog after all is anonymous, there is no reason not to, especially after another nail was hammered into the coffin of sadness, drowning under the weight of metal in a lake of tears.
After attended my wife’s relative wedding this last Saturday, I had some time to reflect one the commitments one makes to each other and what is an acceptable price to pay before challenging any of the vows agreed up years later. For one enters into marriage with ignorance and blind faith, since love is an abstract concept with many different interpretations few agree upon.
Pointing the finger and placing all the blame upon ones spouse is not something I am going to do, marriage after all is a work in progress and each one of us no doubt will have something to say about the other that bothers them. However when one partner decides they no longer wish to have any physical relations with them, then what? Since this decision did not occur overnight, a little background information is needed.
The years in which we tried having children, the sex was wonderful but after the second and last child was born, there was a time of abstinence to which I agreed before we resumed physical relations. They were far in between, no more than five times and no less than twice a year for the next decade and a half. It was more like a drought but I made due, feeling like a vehicle kept going by fumes alone, especially since also lacking was any emotionally physical closeness of the non-sexual kind. It seems she does not require hugs, cuddling, holding or touching that brings two people closer over the years. One could say she is completely self-sufficient individual, whereas I am not.
I have a need to feel alive, a need to know I am wanted and desired. Allowed to express my sexual urges and reciprocate my partners needs, all that which allows me to be a complete person. For the physical exchange between two persons is the very reason for getting up each morning.
Unfortunately I injured myself in an industrial accident in 2002 and had surgery in 2003, followed by a recovery period of more than four years, during which I was diagnosed with cancer. A few months later my wife began her menopause period and she decided not to undergo a hormone treatment as this can cause breast cancer, a decision I fully supported.
A year later I had a heart attack and the next month, January of 2006, I under went a triple by-pass open heart surgery. The recovery went as expected including a few years of serious depression, including the failure of one of the grafts eighteen months later, I survived and for what if only to be denied one of the reasons for living.
Yet as these passing months turned into years, during which I sought some physical connection with her, only to be rebuffed. So now I am raising the question, do I have a right to seek physical closeness and sexual gratification elsewhere? Let’s keep in mind that I also have been warned by her that if I do, there would be consequences and I would be kicked out of the house. It is as though I am being kept a prisoner while she is having her cake and eating it to.
I cannot just turn off having any emotional and physical needs and to do without them. I am too alive and enjoy life and though my creating art has helped me through some of the rough bumps, I personally cannot continue life without ever experiencing the pleasures of the flesh—why should I be forced to?
So upon our return from the wedding, where we both had a good time, I wanted to fool-around, express my affections and yes, possible even masturbate in order to release any pressures. Unfortunately all this was met with a negative response that was more like ‘disgusting’ or ‘give me a break,’ rather than sharing some tenderness even thought there would be no sexual intercourse. She chose to read her book and I reluctantly went to sleep.
My art has sustained me, permitted me to continue but it does not feed the needs of the flesh or the longings of a gentle feminine touch caressing my skin. I cannot continue to live this way or meet my day of judgement without living once again.
With my cards now exposed, I declare I am open to receiving another woman’s affections which would be equally reciprocated, searching for an affair of the heart, an affair of the flesh.
Thank you for your visit
E.A.
