Confronting ones challenges

Sooner or later one must confront ones challenges and since this blog after all is anonymous, there is no reason not to, especially after another nail was hammered into the coffin of sadness, drowning under the weight of metal in a lake of tears.

After attended my wife’s relative wedding this last Saturday, I had some time to reflect one the commitments one makes to each other and what is an acceptable price to pay before challenging any of the vows agreed up years later. For one enters into marriage with ignorance and blind faith, since love is an abstract concept with many different interpretations few agree upon.

Pointing the finger and placing all the blame upon ones spouse is not something I am going to do, marriage after all is a work in progress and each one of us no doubt will have something to say about the other that bothers them. However when one partner decides they no longer wish to have any physical relations with them, then what? Since this decision did not occur overnight, a little background information is needed. 

The years in which we tried having children, the sex was wonderful but after the second and last child was born, there was a time of abstinence to which I agreed before we resumed physical relations. They were far in between, no more than five times and no less than twice a year for the next decade and a half. It was more like a drought but I made due, feeling like a vehicle kept going by fumes alone, especially since also lacking was any emotionally physical closeness of the non-sexual kind. It seems she does not require hugs, cuddling, holding or touching that brings two people closer over the years. One could say she is completely self-sufficient individual, whereas I am not.

I have a need to feel alive, a need to know I am wanted and desired. Allowed to express my sexual urges and reciprocate my partners needs, all that which allows me to be a complete person. For the physical exchange between two persons is the very reason for getting up each morning.

Unfortunately I injured myself in an industrial accident in 2002 and had surgery in 2003, followed by a recovery period of more than four years, during which I was diagnosed with cancer. A few months later my wife began her menopause period and she decided not to undergo a hormone treatment as this can cause breast cancer, a decision I fully supported.

A year later I had a heart attack and the next month, January of 2006, I under went a triple by-pass open heart surgery. The recovery went as expected including a few years of serious depression, including the failure of one of the grafts eighteen months later, I survived and for what if only to be denied one of the reasons for living.

Yet as these passing months turned into years, during which I sought some physical connection with her, only to be rebuffed. So now I am raising the question, do I have a right to seek physical closeness  and sexual gratification elsewhere? Let’s keep in mind that I also have been warned by her that if I do, there would be consequences and I would be kicked out of the house. It is as though I am being kept a prisoner while she is having her cake and eating it to.

I cannot just turn off having any emotional and physical needs and to do without them. I am too alive and enjoy life and though my creating art has helped me through some of the rough bumps, I personally cannot continue life without ever experiencing the pleasures of the flesh—why should I be forced to?

So upon our return from the wedding, where we both had a good time, I wanted to fool-around, express my affections and yes, possible even masturbate in order to release any pressures. Unfortunately all this was met with a negative response that was more like ‘disgusting’ or ‘give me a break,’ rather than sharing some tenderness even thought there would be no sexual intercourse. She chose to read her book and I reluctantly went to sleep.

My art has sustained me, permitted me to continue but it does not feed the needs of the flesh or the longings of a gentle feminine touch caressing my skin. I cannot continue to live this way or meet my day of judgement without living once again.

With my cards now exposed, I declare I am open to receiving another woman’s affections which would be equally reciprocated, searching for an affair of the heart, an affair of the flesh.

Thank you for your visit

E.A.

A gift

Upon retrieving the mail, I held in my hands a small, almost square package from a person who’s name or address was unfamiliar. It was a book about heart shaped stones and only after reading the accompanying enclosed letter, did I realized it came from a person I met April 4th at Bean Hollow State Park beach, which lies between San Francisco and Santa Cruz.

The Gift

Her name is Elizabeth and she was traveling down along the Pacific coast taking photographs of the scenery. We struck up a conversation and after an introduction I told her that a little further south was Whitehouse Cliff trail that leads to a cove I have considered my pirates/smugglers cove, my place to escape to. The place I discovered my first  two heart shaped stones during a storm.

Deep down inside me I wanted to share that spot with her, since it was a public spot, but that was not to be. During the course of taking pictures, Elizabeth called out to me and gestured I come to her, for she had discovered a heart shaped opening in the rock formation. Elizabeth continued photographing the varied stone structures as did I and before I left, giving her the name of my web site that she wrote down in her notebook.

From my collection

When I learned the gift came from her, three months after our initial contact and that she remembered how personally important heart shaped stones are to me, I was deeply touched by her kindness, especially as her correspondence contained some sad news, the kind we all face at one point or another.

The brief hour we shared at a public beach, each fulfilling our creative vision, while sharing a conversation, has now become a permanent memory through the gift. Maybe our paths will cross again and we meet once more, for it would be something I would look forward to with pleasure.

Thank you Elizabeth for brightening my day.

Thank you for your visit

E.A.

Facing the truth

For weeks now I have been looking in the mirror and telling myself that I have not addressed the issue that was the reason for the blog and questioning when it will be that I break through the glass ceiling. However talking about matters one would refer to as very personally and making them public is still a huge hurdle to over come, besides how I to word the complexity that dwells within. Just blurting it out is just not my style and in the meantime the cauldron is boiling over. 

Since the beginning of 2003, obstacles have cropped up all around, navigating from one health issue to another, all of which have left their mark upon my body like some road map that someday might be traverse by the hand of my lover. 

She who remains unidentified except for when tensions need a release and she takes on the face of hundreds as images cycle through on the monitor. Yet this temporary reality has become more of a permanent situation as my partner for life has decided that any physical connection is no longer desired or wanted, while postings earlier in the year to CL bulletin board a request for a woman who to is seeking lover have remained unanswered.

In the meantime I continue to focus on my art and to develop a collection which would then be displayed in a gallery, generating a few sales, despite the current economic situation. For now it is the only thing that fills my heart with any kind of personal satisfaction and though it seems the only thing I live for, I continue yearning for the touch of another.

Thank you for your visit

E.A.

Holocaust Remembrance Day

Saturday, April 30 at sunset, according to the Jewish calendar was the beginning of the observation of 2011 Holocaust Remembrance Day, while officially on Sunday, May 1, it was observed by all others. In light of this somber reflection I wish to share a painting I completed in May 2008 in response to the ‘German Question’ and my thoughts about the Holocaust.

Remembrance, May 2008

MM/C 24 x 24” inches

During the process of this painting it was first known as “The German Question,” upon the completion the painting was named “Remembrance.” Briefly I had considered “Absence of History,” a title my son had suggested and a title I am reserving for another canvas.

United States Holocaust Memorial Museum - frequently asked questions

The next Holocaust Remembrance Day will begin at sunset on April 18, 2012 for the Jewish people and observed by others on Thursday, April 19.

Thank you for your visit

E.A.

Celebrating a royal wedding with a cake

In honor of the occasion of the event in England, I set out to bake a Bunt cake, shaped in a crown for my British neighbor Valerie, who was hosting a brunch for some of the ladies in the area.

Decorated with Borage flowers

bow and ribbon to emulate Kate’s veil and train

Unfortunately I was unable to photograph Valerie’s beautiful table setting as I had a cardiologist appointment and when I was there not all the food was set up. Nevertheless I can tell you that there was a portrait of William and Kate just below the flower arrangement. A beautiful light and airy fabric cascaded down from the elevated flower arrangement, creating wonderful hills and valleys. In between the rolling material was set a typical British silver tea service and dishes.

Valerie honored me by having reserved the center of the table for my cake, that too was elevated by a glass pedestal. I had also dropped of a plate of mini blueberry muffins, decorated by two different Dutch irises, a number of Borge and yellow Daisy flowers.

I hope that you all had a great time sharing the event with friends as we have so little to celebrate these days.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, William and Catherine

Photo: Hugo Burnand/Clarence House/PA/Landov

    

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge with attendants and then with families

Hugo Burnand / Clarence House / PA / Landov

The recipe 

8 tbsp./40 oz. unsalted butter

1 cup of sugar

4 large organic brown eggs

3 1/2 cups of flour

1 1/2 cups of firm Greek yogurt

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. baking powder

2 tsp. orange extract

2 tsp. vanilla extract

3/4 cup dried apricots - diced

3/4 cup yellow raisins

3/4 cup dried cranberries

1/2 cup pecans, cut into small pieces

Directions

1. On a large dish or medium bowl mix the apricots, raisins, cranberries and pecans, then dust with flower to prevent them from sining to the bottom during baking
2. Mix the soft butter with sugar until well blended
3. Add one egg at a time and blend
4. Add orange and vanilla extract and briefly blend
5. Slowly add the flour with the mixer at low to medium speed. After half of the flower has been added, add the yogurt and mix, then resume adding the remaining flour. If the dough feels to thick and not elastic enough, add a dash of milk.
6. Using a spatula, fold in the dried fruit and nut mixture until well distributed. Do not use the hand blender or mixer for this step.
7. Now add the mixture to a Bunt pan that was buttered and dusted with flour.
8. In a preheated oven set to 350° degrees, set the cake mold in the center of the oven. Check after 45 minutes by inserting a toothpick or cake needle. Cake usually takes 50-60 minutes to bake.

Enjoy

Thank you for your visit

E.A.

A picture of her

I told her I wanted a few pictures

a few picture’s of her in the flesh

for her skin was so smooth and silky
                                and I knew she would not leave it behind

October 2, 1976

From my notebook ‘Imaginary dreams-a romance in Europe’

Thank you for your visit

E.A.

I’m finally painting again

Earlier this month we had record high temperatures as if it were mid-August, now it has been raining most of the week and by tomorrow the temperatures are to drop so low that if the rain continues, we are expecting the possible of snow in the lower elevations. The last time the Bay Area had any snow was in 1976, however I was in Europe at the time and therefore have no recollection of the event. 

Right now I welcome the rain as there is nothing better to do than to paint, continuing the work I started about a week ago on my first painting in more than a year ago. in the meantime I look forward to the possibility of a little snow.

After applying the sculptured material to the canvas, it was time to prepare the entire surface for painting by applying gesso. Doing so with a brush which which I will be painting in Acrylic and then using oils, helps me to contact mow directly with the surface and get a feel for the type of brush work I will need to apply for the desired effect.

It will be at least another two weeks before I may consider the painting finished, in part because white always takes longer to dry and the weather is not helping in that department. Besides, the process of painting needs to evolve, were the artist connects with the painting and vise versa. 

Thank you for your visit

E.A.