We all have secrets of some kind, ones we lock away close to our heart or hide among the shadows of our treasures and I am no different, and though a few very close friend, less than a handful, are aware there is also another identity hidden within, struggling for acceptance.
Falling between the cracks, there is no category in which I fall, making it easier to explain, especially since the last few decades society has become more open and tolerable with ideas that differ from the norm.
Though my alternative identity was born out of a need to survive the loneliness during my teen years, today I have become to be more depended upon it then ever before, I am longing for that one person, a woman who not only embraces a man’s dual identity, but also cherishes it.
Even dictionaries have a problem with providing a definitive definition for cross-dresser, as one would try to say it is “To dress in the clothing characteristic of the opposite sex.” Another refers “someone who adopts the dress or manner or sexual role of the opposite sex” as a transvestite, while another publisher wanted to say that it had now involved into being associate with transgender, but what do I believe a cross-dresser is. I guess the best way to define it, is from my perspective.
January 2010
When dressed as a woman I feel like a woman, vulnerable yet also strong and in no way do I refer this state of being as a ‘sissy,’ a word I personally dislike. For me it is about ‘empowerment,’ regaining a sense of mental and physical balance, it is also about letting go. It should also be noted that when I am with another woman as a CD, it is not always about sex, rather a kind of intimacy woman experience between themselves as friends.
It is the closeness of companionship and intimacy I long for, besides the physical aspect shared between two women, as I previously experienced with a bi-lesbian woman years earlier over an extended amount of time.
January 2010
I remember one evening, early in my marriage, when the children were on sleep-over and allowing us some private time, my wife and I,—as a transformed person—were very close. It was the first and last time when she tolerated my physical state without making any humiliating and negative comments, which obviously hurts greatly. Other women in my life did their best to understand, some even began to enjoy, even looked forward when I choose to be in an altered state.
Going public with my story has been an agonizing decision, one made a little easier after watching “Beautiful Daughters,” a 2006 documentary, which is part of “The Vagina Monologues” series made popular by Eve Ensler. However, this documentary featured only transgender women and the similarities they share with other women. Though certainly I do not consider myself transgender, the film gave me that little push which was necessary to face the burden of truth, especially as I never felt ashamed for practicing cross-dressing.
These few paragraphs only serve as an introduction to my roll as a cross-dresser, the issues involved are far more complex, especially to my state of mind when in a feminine state. Even the wardrobe only tells part of the story.
Thank you for your visit
E.A.
